As we turned our clocks to a new millennium and Y2K did not destroy any aspirations of a future past December 31,1999, in comes Mike Mendez with The Convent, a CW-style modest budget horror film that made it to Sundance and circulated in the bootleg scene for years after. That is until now and Synapse gave a massive treatment to a few of Mendez’s films including this one.
The Convent was touted as starring Joanna Canton, better known for her role in Empire Records, Coolio, and 1970s and 1980s scream queen, Adrienne Barbeau, who took to the role after hysterically enjoying the script. And that’s what this movie is, a fun timestamp into horror schlock that reels with all of the conventional stereotypes of a teen sick flick.
Barbeau plays a total badass who is seen at the beginning as a younger version of herself, lighting a church on fire. Burn the witches!. . . erm. . . burn the nuns! Before she dumps a can of gasoline at the pulpit, its batter up and some nun baseball before the place was torched leaving the mystery of if she escaped or not. This is what transitions into the legend that entices a group of college kids to investigate. It’s your classic set up: hot girlfriend, douchebag frat boy, nerd, misfit girl and level-headed smartie pants.
Showing up to the place where the Convent once stood, the kids get busted by the cops for trespassing, leaving the misfit inside to hide. In comes Coolio as one of the deputies. The scenario reminds me a lot of when Henry Rollins played a cop in The Chase. Coolio portrays everything he is not, but when they give the kids a warning and they skedaddle, Coolio laughs it off, grabs the joint that he confiscated and lights up. The real charm of this scene is the Bill Moseley (The Devil’s Rejects, House of a 1,000 Corpses, and a billion other projects) is the other officer.
The pivotal moment in the film is the first sacrifice. It’s a scene set up from community theater and the genesis to what could have easily inspired What We Do In The Shadows. A spattering of neon, some dayglo blood and glow-in-the dark contacts and the Convent is reborn.
Much like zombies, if one person is bit or stabbed or murdered in some way, they become possessed into a demon with really ghastly teeth. Some are demon zombies with no skin on their face, others have a goth-like glow up while their blood will be shed like a paintball fight.
It turns into a slapstick routine with demons chasing humans, satanists caught in the middle and Barbeau straddling a motorcycle only to come to the rescue. Of course, there is much more to this film that connects the storyline together in a more cohesive way. The only shocking moment of this film is the abortion scene, which does a good job at conveying more real-life horror than wild haunted house make-up and amusing CGI explosions for its time.
The Convent is a fantastic nostalgia joy ride that screams both laughs and cringe in only the best way the new millennium of horror had to offer. The only problem for its time is that films like 28 Days Later and American Pscyho distracted with its artistic vision. But if you like the remakes of 13 Ghosts or House on Haunted Hill, then add this film in your collection.
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